Dalrock has a post about Brad Wilcox’s plea for young men to step up and get married, along with the MGTOW’s response. I have been wanting to do a post about this for a while, so here are my thoughts.
Before getting married, men need to know the realities of marriage 2.0. Dalrock has a two post series about getting married in today’s new reality. You need to know the risks you are taking when you do decide to marry, and if you do decide to marry, you do need to choose wisely. I would recommend following his advice in both deciding if you do get married, and also who you should marry.
Since the LDS community is different, there are some observations that I have noticed that you should take into account.
First of all, both LDS young men and young women are still taught that sex outside of married is strictly forbidden. This is a very good thing. The chances of meeting a virgin LDS girl is much higher than meeting a non-LDS virgin girl. (Even most Christians are not virgins when they get married.) As an LDS man, I would never consider dating a non-virgin girl, let alone marrying one. This girl will have all the power of the state to destroy your life. It is not worth the risk. This especially includes divorced women. Don’t think that just because a girl is LDS means that she won’t rip your kids away from you, throw you in jail for “domestic violence”, get your temple recommend revoked, make it so you cannot get sealed to another women, etc. If you do get married, you do so at great risk. Choose wisely.
First, you should not assume that every LDS girl is a virgin. You need to investigate and make sure she is a virgin very early on in your relationship. You need to know her dating history. Did she kiss a lot of guys? Was NCMO her thing in college? Did she have a serious boyfriend all through high school? You goal is to determine how much resistance she has to her “rationalization hamster”.
All girls have a “rationalization hamster”, or a series of conscious thoughts (or temptations) that allow a girl to rationalize committing a sin. In other words, when a women’s hind brains detect that an alpha bad boy has good genes, her conscious brain starts working on a plan to make it “okay” to fornicate with him, even though she knows it is a sin. The good thing about the LDS community is that fornication and divorce are still looked down upon, and women do get shamed for doing so. Also, good LDS girls have a strong testimony and do not want to displease God. Although this leads to “good girl syndrome” when girls do get married, it does a pretty good job at keeping girls virgins until they marry, and keeping wives from straying afterwards.
However, as Mormon culture slowly adapts to the world culture, don’t be surprised to find your wife having an affair and you getting blamed by everyone for “domestic violence”. Then she uses the power of the law to toss you out of your house, the the bishop to excommunicate you, your sealing canceled, and her new boyfriend being her new “eternal companion” raising your kids while you live in a poor neighborhood slaving away to support your ex-family. Although this is the worst case scenario, it should serve as a warning on how a girl’s rationalization hamster can completely destroy your life. Your wife’s rationalization hamster can work overtime to find a way to “morally” replace you for a better man.
The best sign that a girl has weak hamster resistance is immodesty. Most girls seek out sexual attention by using their bodies. LDS girls have been taught not to be immodest. If the temptation to gain sexual attention through immodesty is to strong for a girl to resist, then she has weak hamster resistance. A lot LDS college girls I see have no problem putting on a bikini, wearing yoga pants, and otherwise be immodest to not only gain sexual attention from males, but also to show up their female “friends”. You cannot trust that an immodest girl like this will resist the many temptations she will have to cheat on you. You cannot trust her to not spend yourself into crazy debt for the best clothes, the best house, and the best car. You cannot trust her to resist the temptation to “have it all” by ditching your kids in daycare while she becomes a corporate slave. You cannot trust her to put down her
indoctrination devices phone and actually pay attention to your kids, clean the house, and cook good meals.
Other signs of weak hamster resistance is exclusive dating in high school, gossiping and being mean to other girls, large amounts of debt, etc. Don’t marry psycho girls either! Check into their past mental health history. Although you probably don’t want to marry a fat girl, being fat and out of shape is also a sign of weak hamster resistance. In fact, a good way to see if a girl has weak hamster resistance is going running together. There are lots of girls (and boys too) that cannot even run a mile without stopping. Once it starts to hurt a little, they give up and start walking. If they cannot push themselves through the pain it takes to get in shape, I doubt they have the self-discipline to resist a hamster. Keep in mind, just because she can run well is not a guarantee she will make a good wife, but if she cannot run a mile, I doubt she can stay off Facebook while she is suppose to be watching your kids. Almost all of the couples in my married student ward where the wife was fat, ended up divorced.
Of course, you need to avoid all career driven girls. If you go out with a girl who does not freely talk about her desire to be a good mother, next her. If she seems more interested in her career than her dating life, next her. Career driven girls are selfish and will have little time for you, your kids, and absolutely no energy to keep up a regular sex life. Next any girl who has any career aspirations. Next any girls who hates cooking and taking care of kids. Next any girl seeking attention on social media. Next any girl who “needs to see the world” (which is really saying they will get bored with you).
Remember, your have a hind brain too. Attractive girls have the ability to shut down your logic center, and flood your brain with feel good chemicals. Don’t let this stop you from properly investigating a girl’s background, and her potential for being a good mother and wife. You do not want to marry someone who will nag you, not have sex with you, be a horrible mother, and potentially ruin your life just because she once filled your brain with feel good chemicals.
I would say though, if you do find the right girl, it is worth it. Married life is a million times better than single life. Holding your brand new son or daughter in your arms will be a moment you will never forget, along with the many other memories raising kids brings. Sharing your life with a beautiful, feminine, Godly girl that trusts you, helps you, works with you, and of course is intimate with you will bring more happiness into your life than any other way. Even if my wife tosses me aside tomorrow, I will still have all of these wonderful experiences that have enriched my life beyond anything that single life would have given me. But, it only works with the right girl.
So, what should you do if you do not find the right girl? Don’t settle! It is better to be single than married to the wrong girl. If a bishop, or parent, or anyone else nags you about getting married tell them the truth about why you are not married. Tell them you don’t want to be married to a career driven girl that doesn’t have time for you or kids. Tell them you don’t want to be married to an immodest, slutty girl. Tell them you do not want to marry a social media attention seeking whore. Tell them you do not want marry a girl who has no motherly parenting skills. Tell them you do not want to marry a fat lazy chick who’s idea of cooking is finding the nearest McDonalds. Tell them you do not want to marry a girl that cannot put forth the work it takes to make herself attractive. Tell them you do not want to marry a girl that will nag you all the time. Tell them you do not want to marry a girl that wants to spend all of your money and put you into crazy debt. Tell them you do not want to marry a girl who will only have sex with you once a year.
Flip the script on them. Everyone always assumes there are no good men left. Help them realize there are very few good women left. Help them realize that you do have the right to be choosy in whom you marry. Girls are told all the time not to settle, so boys shouldn’t either.
What if you never find a good girl to marry? Haven’t women been told that if the blessings of being married doesn’t happen in this life, that they will be blessed with the opportunity in the next? Does being a man exclude you from the same promise? I don’t think so. If you actively try to make yourself the best, most attractive man you can, and actively search for a good girl to marry and don’t find one, do you really think that God will judge you based on your sex?
If you do still want to get married, my next post describes a good strategy to take.