One of the main motivators for me to write this blog is that I have seen a lot of comments online from LDS men who are frustrated with the amount and quality of their married sex life. It is hard to see the amount of pain and discomfort this causes them. Not only that, I have seen the happiness that a fulfilling sexual relationship can bring to a couple. I find it really unfortunate that many couples never achieve that happiness, and that sex becomes a source of stress and pain in a marriage.
So, what should a man do if his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him, or if the quality of sex he has with his wife isn’t that great. (Judging from LDS message board, there are probably a lot of men just like you, so you don’t have to feel alone.) Unfortunately, if you married a girl that isn’t attracted to you, there might not be a solution. However, I do think most LDS couples that marry, were attracted to each other at the beginning of their relationship. So, if that is the case, then there is hope for you.
So now is the time to get blunt with you (and this is written for men). Imagine getting excited about having sex with the most unattractive girl you have ever seen. I am talking about a mean, nasty, fat girl with short hair and unshaven legs and armpits. Would you be excited about having sex with her? Probably not.
That is probably why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. She isn’t attracted to you physically. Women have a biological filter that screens every potential mate to make sure his genes will produce good offspring. Men have a filter too, but because sperm is cheep, you can afford to mate with less than perfect women. The best available women at the time will usually work. Since a women is stuck for at least 9 months (but more like 20 years), her filter needs to be really strong. If you can’t get past her filter, sex is either a no go, or sex will be boring with your wife wishing it would get over as soon as possible. Also, just because you past her filter in the past doesn’t mean you will pass it now. You are always being re-evaluated.
So, in short, you need to make yourself more attractive to her. Just google Athol Kay (only if you are married and don’t have a porn problem), and get the advice you need. Yes, it means working out, getting in shape, and becoming a better man. You need to become the head of the house, take care of the finances, and wear the pants. Yes, you will need to stand up to your wife, and tell her no when she makes unreasonable requests. It will take time (a year or two), but you can change and become a man who will routinely pass her filter.
Athol Kay is a much better expert at making yourself attractive than I am or ever could be. Plus, I only know my wife, so I am not pretending to be some great sex expert. So, you will have to get most of your advice from him (or other sources).
Every time I read an online forum post where the man complains about his lack of sex life, I never see good responses. Some responses actually make the situation worse. “Just do more dishes and she will suddenly be so turned on,” is almost a sure way to suck any last remaining attraction she had for you out. I just want to yell, “YOUR WIFE DOESN’T THINK YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE.” Becoming attractive will solve a lot of the problems.
However, in LDS marriages there are some differences in how you go about your approach. Not only do LDS girls have the same filter all women do, they also have probably have “good girl syndrome.” So, while you work on building your attractiveness, you need to work on breaking down her good girl syndrome. I can recommend two books that can help.
- The 5 Love Languages. This is for both of you. While you may feel like your lack of sex is the main problem, your main frustration is that you don’t feel loved. Sex (and good quality sex), go a long ways in helping a man feel loved. By helping your wife realize that sex is a tool build love, hopefully the “sex is bad” programming she received growing up in the church and will be replaced with a “sex is good” mindset. This is a good book to start with because it isn’t about sex. It is about having a better relationship and building love. Some LDS women will automatically shut down whenever sex is brought up. This is a good way to introduce the topic in a positive way. If your wife won’t read a book about building a better relationship than, I hate to say it, you really married a horrible person.
- The next book is And They were not Ashamed. This will really get into good girl syndrome, and help your wife clear up any reservations she might have with sex.
However, you really need to time the book right and take it with the right approach. If you bring the 5 Love Languages book to your wife with a sad, beaten down face begging for sex, you will dry out your wife’s nether regions pretty darn fast. You need to build attraction first. Get in shape first, build attraction in your wife, and then present the book. Patience is key. If you can figure out a way to make it your wife’s idea, even better.
This might be a good approach, but you will have to adjust it to your personality and situation. After you have built up some attraction in your wife, play a little “neg game.” Talk about how you have been married for X number of years, and how you have always heard people’s love grows. Then very aloofly mention that your surprised because there seems to be a little bit of a distance between you. You want to make it seem like it is just an observation, not something that bothers you or that you have even thought of before. Mention that maybe it is life stressors that is causing it. Then leave (make sure your wife knows that you were planning on leaving before the conversation) and go do something manly. If done right, your wife’s subconscious is thinking, “he’s different and pretty attractive, but wait, he said their is some distance between us. What’s going on? Is he not happy. What did I do?” If you have been making changes in your life, your wife probably has noticed and is already a little confused. This little conversation is going to really throw your wife through a loop. And guess what, you won’t be there to calm her down or reassure her that she is “your special snowflake”. It will dwell with her and bug her until she can talk to you again. The longer she has to wait the better (maybe even over night). When she brings it up again, act aloof, and then mention the book as a way to help bring you closer. She has probably heard of it before, and you might have already read it together. If so, you can still read or review it.
Keep your frame while reading the book. Stay aloof, and try to make her be the main driver in reading the book. Then mention that maybe the distance between you is caused by a your lack of a sex life, but don’t be all pouty about it. Just say it matter of factly. (Right after you say it is a good time to leave again and do something manly.) That will lead her to wanting to improve that part of the relationship. Which will hopefully lead to the next book. Remember to keep your improvement plan in place throughout the process and maintain your frame.
Now for some advice to help you get started with your plan. When you get home, corner your wife and kiss her. Try to make the kiss last at least 10 seconds. If she pulls away before 10 seconds say, “What, you don’t have 10 seconds for a proper kiss?” with a goofy smile on your face. Kiss her again, at the end give her butt a good pinch followed by a good smack. Then go somewhere else, and go about your business.